Recently Simone Paget at the Toronto Sun asked me to give my opinion as a therapist on why more divorces are initiated in January than in any other month of the year.

When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. January is the time that people are looking to make positive changes in their lives; they want to quit smoking, lose weight, exercise more, and generally be happier. It’s a time of personal inventory; a time to come face to face with oneself and make changes –sometimes tough ones – that we hope will increase the likelihood of happiness and contentment going forward into the next year and beyond. For a person in an unhappy relationship, January is a natural time to reevaluate whether or not they want to stay in it. (And, by the way, an unhappy relationship is the underlying culprit for 70% of women seeking relief from depression – which often makes them want to smoke, overeat and lie around in the first place.)

We don’t make those difficult decisions in the summer, heavens no! Too heavy for that light and airy season. We don’t make the decision in February what with Valentine’s day just around the corner. We may not make them in the fall with the kids returning to school and juggling new and precarious schedules. January seems like the perfect time.

The other reason I believe people end unhappy relationships in January is because we glamorize the holidays and the romance of it all, with the emphasis on family, fun, togetherness and gratitude. When the holidays are over and we compare the reality of how they actually went against the fantasy of how they could have been and should have been, we may be struck by a moment of cold clarity. The startling reality of how the relationship really felt during the holidays is often just too acute to deny and rationalize any longer, and we realize that we just can’t continue on any longer with our head in the sand.

If your relationship is falling short of your expectations of what it should be, you might be tempted this month to take action. But don’t let the season of self-improvement lead you to prematurely throw in the towel – when there is willingness to work on both sides, relationships in trouble can and do get better. Instead of walking out, try to get your partner to therapy and see if you can work on it together, before you decide to pull the plug.

 

Iona Monk is a couples counselor with more than 12 years experience with helping couples to recognize, express and meet each other’s needs. She is currently working on a book that examines overcoming needy behaviour and excessive self-reliance in relationships. It is due for publication by LifeTree Media in January 2015.